Males...

I've lost all hope in them. So many times I've been tricked into thinking that maybe, just maybe, this one... just this one, will be different. But it's a lie. Every time it's been a lie. The most recent male had me going more than any guy I've ever met... He was sweet, kind, exciting... He promised me he wouldn't hurt me like the rest did. And yet here I sit, crying over someone I've only talked to over the phone... As if he were the closest friend I had in the world. For a moment he was. But the moment wasn't long.

Just when I had finally gotten over the rest of his kind... he comes along and rolls all of them into one horribly charismatic trap. And now I feel as if this darkness is going to stay over me forever. Most people would grow thick skin and get over it. Some might even hold a grudge. But me? No... My heart is permanently soft. Unchangeable. I will never ever stop caring for them. I love them. Crazy? I don't know. All I know is that no matter how hard I try, I can't stay mad at them. If any one of them were to come up to me now, and apologize and go through the same motions all over again... I'd fall for it again. I'm stuck in this cycle of distasteful males... it never ends. There are too many never-ending cycles in my life. This is the worst of all... I shouldn't be able to trust anyone after what I've been through. I suppose I still can't. But put this ridiculous blind faith in anyone who gives me a compliment or a hug. I'm hopeless...
My heart hurts... I feel dead. And yet there is still a single thread of hope connecting me to the male who caused all this. The thought that he might come running back... keeps me from staying mad or angry... keeps me from seeing the truth, that all he can give to me is hurt. Hurt. There is always hurt. Always sorrow. Always sadness... Always. Even when I am happy it is there lurking... just looking for a reason to chase away all the happiness. And it always succeeds.
So what now? I have no hope that any boy will ever truly be there for me, or love me, or care about me as much as I do. And yet I know this cycle will still repeat itself many more times before the end. And every time will be a deeper cut than before. Until finally one day I will eventually fade...