Life

This part of me that hates me is taking over. I can’t stop it. It just fights me and it’s winning. I can’t stop it. I wish I could. I don't want it to win. I just want it to end. I want all of this to end. I just hate everything. I just want everything to stop. I want it to stop long enough for me to be able to think and own my thoughts. I just want a break. I want to be able to just rest and be aware of the rest. I want to consciously sleep. I want to go. I want to go somewhere. I want to go and not have to worry about all this. I want peace. I want to sing and be alone. I want to sing my heart out to the world. I want to tell the world my story. I want to make them listen to it. I want the world to see how much they’ve hurt me. I want to show them how much the world is hurting so many other people. They don't see it. They don't see how they are destroying us. They don't realize how much they hurt me. They just don't realize anything. I just want to stop it all. I want to stop all the pain and all the grief. I just want it all to stop. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is… I hope it’s not. I just want everything to slow down at least; so that I can enjoy those few moments of happiness longer. I just want to enjoy my happiness longer. I want to enjoy it longer than five minutes. I want to continually enjoy it. I want to have a never-ending happiness… I haven’t found one. I wish there was such a thing. I wish I could slip a note to the world that says, “slow down.” I wish it was that simple. I wish that I could break down the walls inside me. I want to see the world. I want to see what the world looks like behind these walls. If I break down the wall, they tell me that it will be beautiful. I wish that I could break the walls. They’re so thick. I don't know how to get rid of them. They’re there and I can’t seem to break them. I make cracks and it starts to crumble, then something happens and someone fills the cracks and stops it from falling. I want to see the world…. I want to see it without these barricades. I just can’t imagine what the world would look like without them. Everyone tells me that it is beautiful. It is beautiful because it’s freedom. I want freedom from these walls. I feel like I need a huge hug. I get hugs. I get them all the time. It’s never long enough. I want love. I want a real love that never ends and makes me happy. I just need that. I need love. I don't feel like I have it. I know that I do, but It doesn’t feel like it. I want to come back to life. I need someone to bring me back to life. I need a revival. I need something. I need something… I need anything. Anything is fine. I just need something to make me feel alive again. I need something. The evil in me wants to take over. I’m sure all my friends hate something about me. They might know a whole different me that another friend… I don't know who I am anymore. I am my greatest failure. I just want it all to be over. The evil in me wants to take over. It wants to control everything. My desires aren’t enough for it anymore. It wants all of me. It wants everything. It wants to control every part of my life. It wants to kill me and others in the process. It wants me to kill. It wants me to suffer. It wants me to be hard. It wants me to harden my soul and take lives. It wants me to kill. It wants me to cause the world pain. Just like the world causes me pain. It wants me to do things that I don’t want to do. I wants to kill, kill, kill. It wants to kill emotions, it wants to kill feelings, and it wants to kill me. It wants to take every part of me and feed off of me. It wants to swallow me. It wants to slowly and painfully kill me. It wants to make me suffer. I know all this, and still I am tempted to let it take me. I want to get away from it, but something keeps bringing me back to it. It’s pretty. Even thought I know it’s hideous and ugly and painful, it still looks pretty. There is nothing glamorous about it. But it lies and tells me that it loves me. I want love, but not this kind. It wants to kill me. That’s all there is. Hate. There is only hate. I want love. Love. I need love. I need to have love or I will die.