Fear

Fear.

It is a faucet that I can't turn off. A never ending source of fear. It won't let me rest. It won't let me think about anything else.Afraid.
I am so afraid. More afraid than I've ever been. There is no reason to be afraid of my fear, but no matter how much proof I have that my fear isn't real... I am still afraid. There is too much past. It has happened too much. Ignore the fear? I try. It doesn't work. The fear is all that comes to mind. Everything I do revolves around my fear...

What is my fear?
My fear has been with me for a very long time. I can't remember not having this fear. This fear has consumed my world for a very long time. I wish I could believe people when they tell me that I dont' need to have this fear... But my past comes up and tells me that it's going to happen again. I know its going to happen again. It already has. It wasn't intentional... But it still hurts.
What is my fear you ask again?

I'll tell you...
I am afraid, very afraid, that they will leave. That they will find out that I am boring. That I am stupid. They will not like me. They will give up on me. They will grow tired of me.
They will reject me. They will abandon me.
I'm not good enough.
Who is they?
They are my friends. They are my parents. They are my teachers. They are my mentors. They is God... They is everyone.
Everyone.

So what do I do about it?
I push. I push them all away. I want to get the pain over with. It's like the doctor who takes too long to clean the needle and prepare the medicine. Just put the needle in me already. Just reject me already. Just abandon me already. Just go. So I push.
Why do I push them?
Well... I'm not consiously aware of pushing. It just happens. I feel like I'm insane. I don't feel like I am pushing them away until after they reject me. After they abandon me. After I have hurt them.
Why don't I stop?
Why don't I stop... I dont' know how. I want to stop. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop hurting the people I love. I need to stop. I need help.
Help.