My head spins

My head spins
What is it all? It's a funny question. But Why? We talk… About what? Why? Does it mean anything? Music, TV, food, clothes, books… Why? What for?
My head spins
Pointless conversation, pointless conversations, pointless television shows, pointless songs, pointless clothes, pointless books, pointless meals… Pointless. Meaningless.
My head spins
763 words… that's all it took. 763 words made me question the point of things… Why? Why am I alive? I feel alive… But why? There is no point… No meaning… Dead.
My head spins
The ink touches the paper. It stays. It forms words. Why? Why do these words mean anything? Do they mean anything? They're just marks. Marks on a page…
My head spins
Noise. I hear words. I hear music and words together. Words, noise, pictures, smells, textures. Do they have meaning? Are they pointless?
My head spins
My eye hurts, my hands shake, my head spins
Words, words, words. Noise, touch, image, words, taste… The floor seems to move. Why floors? Why tile? Why dirt? Why color? Why?
My head spins
These words… Why? Why these words? What will these words do? Meaning… Too many words, too much image, too much taste, too much feeling, too much smell. Too much
My head spins
I close my eyes. Black. Darkness. Noise. Touch. Taste. Smell.
My head spins
Pointless words, pointless phrases, pointless pages, pointless notebook, pointless pen, pointless hand, pointless arm, pointless body, pointless soul, pointless person… Pointless me.
My head spins.
I stop writing. I look up. I close my eyes. I listen. I ignore the noise. I listen for the silence. I begin to hear it. In the silence there is a voice, a silent voice. It speaks with clarity. As I listen, I become calm. I breathe deep. I hear him now. My worries slip. My stress fades. The spinning slows. I start to free myself. I let go. The shame leaves. He takes it. He takes all of it. It is going, slipping away. It's off my back and it's gone. I am clean, light, free. My skin tingles. All of what he took away is replaced by his love. I feel it running over my tired broken soul. His love pours over in me. Like a warm breeze, his love covers my body. I breathe deep. I am tired from the things that I carried, but now they are gone. I came to him and he took everything. He is all I want. Deep breath. His love keeps overflowing in my soul. He loves me. His love makes me beautiful. I am loved. There is peace, complete peace. Now I rest my head on my pillow. My eyes close. I listen to his beautiful, silent, wordless, love song. My soul calms, my thoughts rest, my emotions sleep, and the spinning stops. Everything stops except for his love. Love. Everything fades. His love moves through me. I sleep.

Fear

Fear.

It is a faucet that I can't turn off. A never ending source of fear. It won't let me rest. It won't let me think about anything else.Afraid.
I am so afraid. More afraid than I've ever been. There is no reason to be afraid of my fear, but no matter how much proof I have that my fear isn't real... I am still afraid. There is too much past. It has happened too much. Ignore the fear? I try. It doesn't work. The fear is all that comes to mind. Everything I do revolves around my fear...

What is my fear?
My fear has been with me for a very long time. I can't remember not having this fear. This fear has consumed my world for a very long time. I wish I could believe people when they tell me that I dont' need to have this fear... But my past comes up and tells me that it's going to happen again. I know its going to happen again. It already has. It wasn't intentional... But it still hurts.
What is my fear you ask again?

I'll tell you...
I am afraid, very afraid, that they will leave. That they will find out that I am boring. That I am stupid. They will not like me. They will give up on me. They will grow tired of me.
They will reject me. They will abandon me.
I'm not good enough.
Who is they?
They are my friends. They are my parents. They are my teachers. They are my mentors. They is God... They is everyone.
Everyone.

So what do I do about it?
I push. I push them all away. I want to get the pain over with. It's like the doctor who takes too long to clean the needle and prepare the medicine. Just put the needle in me already. Just reject me already. Just abandon me already. Just go. So I push.
Why do I push them?
Well... I'm not consiously aware of pushing. It just happens. I feel like I'm insane. I don't feel like I am pushing them away until after they reject me. After they abandon me. After I have hurt them.
Why don't I stop?
Why don't I stop... I dont' know how. I want to stop. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop hurting the people I love. I need to stop. I need help.
Help.