Hope is Fading Away

When someone asks where I see myself in ten years, I want to disappear. I usually come up with some vision where I'm driven and it's nice and pleasant, but in reality all I see is a broken woman sitting alone in a cold bleak room, feeling nothing but this dark impending doom. Wondering "How did my life spin so out of control that I ended up here, wondering how she let it all go so far that she realized her fears. What caused me to have such low self esteem? What caused me to constantly rip apart at the seams? I know the choices I made weren't great, but I don't see these situations coming before they're created. I always feared that my life would turn out like it is. She looked for the "real Abbey" for such a long time, and all she found was a dirty girl who cut up her own soul and died inside. Now she can't even hear her friends when they encourage her because she has let too many people put duct tape over her ears and draw signs all over her. She lets the worst people take jagged glass to her heart and kill everything that is left of her and cart it off so she can't even try to glue it back together. She's black and blue and feels like everyone is out to get her. She doesn't know how she got there. Her tears are hot as she stares into the mirror and wishes the years of life back. She stumbles back into a sink full of dishes and hears a crack. Her heart is heavy with all the pain she's picked up along the way. These parts of her that have been slain stay with her every single day. She's impossible to reach; she spent too long on her own. She smiles at everyone she meets, but inside she's still alone.  Now I don't really know what to say. I feel the same way every day. I wish I could say that I know everything will be ok, but I don't even know if I'll make through the week. I know I'll end up very weak. I see the future me as an emotional wreck, who makes everyone want to wring her neck. I don't want to end up like that but I just don't know how to combat. I know I'm running out of time to change the way I'll live, but I can't seem to climb up out of this cage I'm in. I want to look to the future and see a different person, but all I can see is all these problems beginning to worsen. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I'm not trying to make shed a tear. I'm just trying to be real, I hate making things up just for a good grade. I don't know how I feel,
But I know I'm very afraid. I wish I could say things like other kids, but hope is fading away.

Fear

Fear.

It is a faucet that I can't turn off. A never ending source of fear. It won't let me rest. It won't let me think about anything else.Afraid.
I am so afraid. More afraid than I've ever been. There is no reason to be afraid of my fear, but no matter how much proof I have that my fear isn't real... I am still afraid. There is too much past. It has happened too much. Ignore the fear? I try. It doesn't work. The fear is all that comes to mind. Everything I do revolves around my fear...

What is my fear?
My fear has been with me for a very long time. I can't remember not having this fear. This fear has consumed my world for a very long time. I wish I could believe people when they tell me that I dont' need to have this fear... But my past comes up and tells me that it's going to happen again. I know its going to happen again. It already has. It wasn't intentional... But it still hurts.
What is my fear you ask again?

I'll tell you...
I am afraid, very afraid, that they will leave. That they will find out that I am boring. That I am stupid. They will not like me. They will give up on me. They will grow tired of me.
They will reject me. They will abandon me.
I'm not good enough.
Who is they?
They are my friends. They are my parents. They are my teachers. They are my mentors. They is God... They is everyone.
Everyone.

So what do I do about it?
I push. I push them all away. I want to get the pain over with. It's like the doctor who takes too long to clean the needle and prepare the medicine. Just put the needle in me already. Just reject me already. Just abandon me already. Just go. So I push.
Why do I push them?
Well... I'm not consiously aware of pushing. It just happens. I feel like I'm insane. I don't feel like I am pushing them away until after they reject me. After they abandon me. After I have hurt them.
Why don't I stop?
Why don't I stop... I dont' know how. I want to stop. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop hurting the people I love. I need to stop. I need help.
Help.