Colorful Graphic

Take a colorful journey with your eyes... I tried my hand at graphics... this is what i came up with.

Males...

I've lost all hope in them. So many times I've been tricked into thinking that maybe, just maybe, this one... just this one, will be different. But it's a lie. Every time it's been a lie. The most recent male had me going more than any guy I've ever met... He was sweet, kind, exciting... He promised me he wouldn't hurt me like the rest did. And yet here I sit, crying over someone I've only talked to over the phone... As if he were the closest friend I had in the world. For a moment he was. But the moment wasn't long.

Just when I had finally gotten over the rest of his kind... he comes along and rolls all of them into one horribly charismatic trap. And now I feel as if this darkness is going to stay over me forever. Most people would grow thick skin and get over it. Some might even hold a grudge. But me? No... My heart is permanently soft. Unchangeable. I will never ever stop caring for them. I love them. Crazy? I don't know. All I know is that no matter how hard I try, I can't stay mad at them. If any one of them were to come up to me now, and apologize and go through the same motions all over again... I'd fall for it again. I'm stuck in this cycle of distasteful males... it never ends. There are too many never-ending cycles in my life. This is the worst of all... I shouldn't be able to trust anyone after what I've been through. I suppose I still can't. But put this ridiculous blind faith in anyone who gives me a compliment or a hug. I'm hopeless...
My heart hurts... I feel dead. And yet there is still a single thread of hope connecting me to the male who caused all this. The thought that he might come running back... keeps me from staying mad or angry... keeps me from seeing the truth, that all he can give to me is hurt. Hurt. There is always hurt. Always sorrow. Always sadness... Always. Even when I am happy it is there lurking... just looking for a reason to chase away all the happiness. And it always succeeds.
So what now? I have no hope that any boy will ever truly be there for me, or love me, or care about me as much as I do. And yet I know this cycle will still repeat itself many more times before the end. And every time will be a deeper cut than before. Until finally one day I will eventually fade...

Beautiful Inspiration

Why is it that when we are alone, our minds come up with the most fantastic ideas and thoughts. One line from a movie, one lyric in a song, one amazing sandwich, or one simple photograph… All are capable of sending the human mind into a series of inspired thoughts. With one simple word, someone can change their entire perspective on life. And not only are we inspired by these simple realizations, but they push us to create, to express, to somehow convey to someone this new found genius that is racking our brains. There is no greater torture than that of having no way to express one's self. To have to sit there and just wait until the thoughts leave your mind, unable to stop the inspiration from slipping from your fingers. Many of us think that our thoughts and ideas are insignificant. "It's not that great of an idea anyway. Someone else has probably already thought of it before. I can always remember it later… maybe. It's not important."I don't mean to sound cliché, but what if people like Benjamin Franklin, or Albert Einstein, or Abraham Lincoln had thought that way? Would we be where we are today? Only God knows. But just think of how many people are inspired by simple things every day. You don't have to be a Martin Luther King Jr. to inspire people. Chances are, someone will be inspired by your creation. A girl sees a leaf and takes a photograph of it. Weeks later a friend of a friend on Facebook sees the picture in her photos and is completely awestricken. A little boy is at the beach and picks up a stick and draws a picture in the sand of his mother. Minutes later a woman walks by with her dog and is reminded of her own son away college. A tear leaves her face as she walks on. These are very specific examples, but I'm just trying to say that creations and expressions are always beautiful. If you feel inspired and need to express it, then you better find a way. Because when you do, it will be beautiful. The mind and soul are beautiful things. And beautiful things come from them when the two are connected and inspired. We can create beautiful things if we let ourselves. So let yourself create. Express. Do. Be a beautiful inspiration.

Trust is Dying

Trust is Dying...

and I'm the one who's killing him. I thought that I could blame all of the friends that betrayed Trust, but I can't. If they betrayed me, they weren't my real friends in the first place. I let Trust believe they were my friends. I let Trust believe those guys respected me. I am killing Trust.

I need to heal Trust. I need to heal him before Rage takes over. I need to heal Trust so I can start having healthy relationships. Relationships where I don't let Trust confide in them too much, nor too little. I need to heal. I need to realize that people will come and go, and that I need to enjoy their company while they choose to give it. People may choose to leave, and I need to stop taking it personally. I need to heal. I need to revive Trust.

Up and Down

Up, down, up, down...
happy, sad, happy, sad...
in control, out of control...
black, white...
hot, cold...
I'm like a leaf in the fall... I became unattatched from my tree and now im floating
in a never ending whilling falling rollercoaster....
Rise, fall, rise, fall, rest... rise, fall, rise. fall...
Can I just stay the same for a little while?
I hate changing all the time...
Why can't I just be normal...
Why can't I just let things go...
Why...
I don't know why and I guess I never will...

Fast

My thoughts are racing. my mind is spinning. so many thoughts. too many. how do i stop them? how can i? they just keep coming. like an endless stretch of road that i speed down at 100mph. i want to slow down. i can't. i've tried for so long to just slow down but i just keep going. i'm on a motorcycle that just wont stop. i try and i try to hit the brakes but they don't work...

i can't stop...

i have to...

before i crash...

help

photograph by Abbey Reed

Hope is Fading Away

When someone asks where I see myself in ten years, I want to disappear. I usually come up with some vision where I'm driven and it's nice and pleasant, but in reality all I see is a broken woman sitting alone in a cold bleak room, feeling nothing but this dark impending doom. Wondering "How did my life spin so out of control that I ended up here, wondering how she let it all go so far that she realized her fears. What caused me to have such low self esteem? What caused me to constantly rip apart at the seams? I know the choices I made weren't great, but I don't see these situations coming before they're created. I always feared that my life would turn out like it is. She looked for the "real Abbey" for such a long time, and all she found was a dirty girl who cut up her own soul and died inside. Now she can't even hear her friends when they encourage her because she has let too many people put duct tape over her ears and draw signs all over her. She lets the worst people take jagged glass to her heart and kill everything that is left of her and cart it off so she can't even try to glue it back together. She's black and blue and feels like everyone is out to get her. She doesn't know how she got there. Her tears are hot as she stares into the mirror and wishes the years of life back. She stumbles back into a sink full of dishes and hears a crack. Her heart is heavy with all the pain she's picked up along the way. These parts of her that have been slain stay with her every single day. She's impossible to reach; she spent too long on her own. She smiles at everyone she meets, but inside she's still alone.  Now I don't really know what to say. I feel the same way every day. I wish I could say that I know everything will be ok, but I don't even know if I'll make through the week. I know I'll end up very weak. I see the future me as an emotional wreck, who makes everyone want to wring her neck. I don't want to end up like that but I just don't know how to combat. I know I'm running out of time to change the way I'll live, but I can't seem to climb up out of this cage I'm in. I want to look to the future and see a different person, but all I can see is all these problems beginning to worsen. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I'm not trying to make shed a tear. I'm just trying to be real, I hate making things up just for a good grade. I don't know how I feel,
But I know I'm very afraid. I wish I could say things like other kids, but hope is fading away.

My head spins

My head spins
What is it all? It's a funny question. But Why? We talk… About what? Why? Does it mean anything? Music, TV, food, clothes, books… Why? What for?
My head spins
Pointless conversation, pointless conversations, pointless television shows, pointless songs, pointless clothes, pointless books, pointless meals… Pointless. Meaningless.
My head spins
763 words… that's all it took. 763 words made me question the point of things… Why? Why am I alive? I feel alive… But why? There is no point… No meaning… Dead.
My head spins
The ink touches the paper. It stays. It forms words. Why? Why do these words mean anything? Do they mean anything? They're just marks. Marks on a page…
My head spins
Noise. I hear words. I hear music and words together. Words, noise, pictures, smells, textures. Do they have meaning? Are they pointless?
My head spins
My eye hurts, my hands shake, my head spins
Words, words, words. Noise, touch, image, words, taste… The floor seems to move. Why floors? Why tile? Why dirt? Why color? Why?
My head spins
These words… Why? Why these words? What will these words do? Meaning… Too many words, too much image, too much taste, too much feeling, too much smell. Too much
My head spins
I close my eyes. Black. Darkness. Noise. Touch. Taste. Smell.
My head spins
Pointless words, pointless phrases, pointless pages, pointless notebook, pointless pen, pointless hand, pointless arm, pointless body, pointless soul, pointless person… Pointless me.
My head spins.
I stop writing. I look up. I close my eyes. I listen. I ignore the noise. I listen for the silence. I begin to hear it. In the silence there is a voice, a silent voice. It speaks with clarity. As I listen, I become calm. I breathe deep. I hear him now. My worries slip. My stress fades. The spinning slows. I start to free myself. I let go. The shame leaves. He takes it. He takes all of it. It is going, slipping away. It's off my back and it's gone. I am clean, light, free. My skin tingles. All of what he took away is replaced by his love. I feel it running over my tired broken soul. His love pours over in me. Like a warm breeze, his love covers my body. I breathe deep. I am tired from the things that I carried, but now they are gone. I came to him and he took everything. He is all I want. Deep breath. His love keeps overflowing in my soul. He loves me. His love makes me beautiful. I am loved. There is peace, complete peace. Now I rest my head on my pillow. My eyes close. I listen to his beautiful, silent, wordless, love song. My soul calms, my thoughts rest, my emotions sleep, and the spinning stops. Everything stops except for his love. Love. Everything fades. His love moves through me. I sleep.

Fear

Fear.

It is a faucet that I can't turn off. A never ending source of fear. It won't let me rest. It won't let me think about anything else.Afraid.
I am so afraid. More afraid than I've ever been. There is no reason to be afraid of my fear, but no matter how much proof I have that my fear isn't real... I am still afraid. There is too much past. It has happened too much. Ignore the fear? I try. It doesn't work. The fear is all that comes to mind. Everything I do revolves around my fear...

What is my fear?
My fear has been with me for a very long time. I can't remember not having this fear. This fear has consumed my world for a very long time. I wish I could believe people when they tell me that I dont' need to have this fear... But my past comes up and tells me that it's going to happen again. I know its going to happen again. It already has. It wasn't intentional... But it still hurts.
What is my fear you ask again?

I'll tell you...
I am afraid, very afraid, that they will leave. That they will find out that I am boring. That I am stupid. They will not like me. They will give up on me. They will grow tired of me.
They will reject me. They will abandon me.
I'm not good enough.
Who is they?
They are my friends. They are my parents. They are my teachers. They are my mentors. They is God... They is everyone.
Everyone.

So what do I do about it?
I push. I push them all away. I want to get the pain over with. It's like the doctor who takes too long to clean the needle and prepare the medicine. Just put the needle in me already. Just reject me already. Just abandon me already. Just go. So I push.
Why do I push them?
Well... I'm not consiously aware of pushing. It just happens. I feel like I'm insane. I don't feel like I am pushing them away until after they reject me. After they abandon me. After I have hurt them.
Why don't I stop?
Why don't I stop... I dont' know how. I want to stop. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop hurting the people I love. I need to stop. I need help.
Help.

Life

This part of me that hates me is taking over. I can’t stop it. It just fights me and it’s winning. I can’t stop it. I wish I could. I don't want it to win. I just want it to end. I want all of this to end. I just hate everything. I just want everything to stop. I want it to stop long enough for me to be able to think and own my thoughts. I just want a break. I want to be able to just rest and be aware of the rest. I want to consciously sleep. I want to go. I want to go somewhere. I want to go and not have to worry about all this. I want peace. I want to sing and be alone. I want to sing my heart out to the world. I want to tell the world my story. I want to make them listen to it. I want the world to see how much they’ve hurt me. I want to show them how much the world is hurting so many other people. They don't see it. They don't see how they are destroying us. They don't realize how much they hurt me. They just don't realize anything. I just want to stop it all. I want to stop all the pain and all the grief. I just want it all to stop. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is… I hope it’s not. I just want everything to slow down at least; so that I can enjoy those few moments of happiness longer. I just want to enjoy my happiness longer. I want to enjoy it longer than five minutes. I want to continually enjoy it. I want to have a never-ending happiness… I haven’t found one. I wish there was such a thing. I wish I could slip a note to the world that says, “slow down.” I wish it was that simple. I wish that I could break down the walls inside me. I want to see the world. I want to see what the world looks like behind these walls. If I break down the wall, they tell me that it will be beautiful. I wish that I could break the walls. They’re so thick. I don't know how to get rid of them. They’re there and I can’t seem to break them. I make cracks and it starts to crumble, then something happens and someone fills the cracks and stops it from falling. I want to see the world…. I want to see it without these barricades. I just can’t imagine what the world would look like without them. Everyone tells me that it is beautiful. It is beautiful because it’s freedom. I want freedom from these walls. I feel like I need a huge hug. I get hugs. I get them all the time. It’s never long enough. I want love. I want a real love that never ends and makes me happy. I just need that. I need love. I don't feel like I have it. I know that I do, but It doesn’t feel like it. I want to come back to life. I need someone to bring me back to life. I need a revival. I need something. I need something… I need anything. Anything is fine. I just need something to make me feel alive again. I need something. The evil in me wants to take over. I’m sure all my friends hate something about me. They might know a whole different me that another friend… I don't know who I am anymore. I am my greatest failure. I just want it all to be over. The evil in me wants to take over. It wants to control everything. My desires aren’t enough for it anymore. It wants all of me. It wants everything. It wants to control every part of my life. It wants to kill me and others in the process. It wants me to kill. It wants me to suffer. It wants me to be hard. It wants me to harden my soul and take lives. It wants me to kill. It wants me to cause the world pain. Just like the world causes me pain. It wants me to do things that I don’t want to do. I wants to kill, kill, kill. It wants to kill emotions, it wants to kill feelings, and it wants to kill me. It wants to take every part of me and feed off of me. It wants to swallow me. It wants to slowly and painfully kill me. It wants to make me suffer. I know all this, and still I am tempted to let it take me. I want to get away from it, but something keeps bringing me back to it. It’s pretty. Even thought I know it’s hideous and ugly and painful, it still looks pretty. There is nothing glamorous about it. But it lies and tells me that it loves me. I want love, but not this kind. It wants to kill me. That’s all there is. Hate. There is only hate. I want love. Love. I need love. I need to have love or I will die.

Valentine's Day

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I just cuddle my little sister all day. :)

My Best Friend

The paths lay in front of me and He advised me which one to go down. I knew that He was smarter than me, and that the path He said was best probably would be. The path He advised me to go down was barren and small, it looked boring and hard to travel on. The other path looked exciting and fun, and it looked way easier than His path. So I walked down the path He advised me not to take, and at first I was sure that He had been wrong about this path. It was fun, and I met way more people on it than I would have on the other path. Then the path sort of sloped downward so that no one could climb back up when after they sent down. I looked down and It looked like a party, people were laughing having fun, doing all sorts of exciting things. Why would I turn back when there was so much I could miss out on if I did? So I slid down the slope, things started changing. The image started to blur and the people changed. As I hit the bottom of the slope everyone was crying and laying on the ground. Then I saw why everyone was crying. The path ended right here. It just stopped. I looked over the edge and saw nothing but an endless abyss. Franticlly, I ran to the slope and tried to climb back up. "It's no use..." some sobbing woman cried, "It's impossible to climb..." I refused to believe that this was it. Surely I could climb out and go find His path. Then someone touched me shoulder, I turned around and fell to the ground when I saw who it was. It was Him, he had come to mock my poor dicision. I turned back around and kept trying to climb up the hill. He put His hand on my shoulder again and said, "Let me help you." I couldn't let Him see that He had been right. "I don't need your help! I'm just fine." I said sharply. I kept trying to no avail. Every time I tried to climb up I became more and more depressed and exhausted. He again placed His hand on my shoulder and this time said, "I love you, you need me." I hadn't heard the words I love you in so long the sounded so sweet in my ear. Still, I refused to give in, I climbed and this time I was actually getting somewhere. I had probably climed ten feet up when the hill shivered, as if it were alive. It shook me off and I landed on my back with incredible force. I struggled to breathe, I couldn't move. He cam over to me and said, "I love you, no matter what you say or do." Finally I understood that He was not here to mock me or brag that He was right, He was here to save me from jumping off the ledge like so many others had done. I replied with a weak mumble, "I need you." He picked me up and placed me on his back. I wrapped my arms around His neck and He began to climp up the hill. The slope shook violently, but He held on. His hands bled and were covered in blisters, His feet the same. "Why would you go through so much pain for me after I didn't listen to you?" I quietly asked. He grunted and struggled to reply. "I would die for you, and I have, even if you went down this path a hundred times." He finally replied. I was shocked at this and I began to cry, realizing how much He really did love me. We finally reached the top of the hill and He brought me back to the fork in the road. He looked at me with sincere love and said, "You can walk down that path again, or you can come with me." I wanted to have fun and excitement, but I knew what was at the end of that path now, and it didn't seem worth it. I took Him by the hand and chose His path. "Walking down this path would have been easier if you had chosen it to begin with." He said to me as we began walking. I realized just how right He was farther down the path, and sometimes I thought of giving up. He always helped me up when I fell, and when I strayed from Him, He always found me. I am still walking down this long twisty path, and is hard, but it is always worth it when I see the love He has for me.

Why?

Is it any wonder that 78% of women who get an abortion are christian? I'm sure they feel incredible pressure from parents and pastors and just even their peers. "What would they think of me if they knew I was pregnant? What would happen to my social life? I'm supposed to me the kind of person who doesn't do things like this." I'm sure just hiding it, and "getting rid of it" does sound like a better decision at the time. I wouldn't want to face my pastor, my parents, or my friends and say that I was pregnant. That would be horrible; but why? Why is it that the one group of people who are supposed to be the most loving and caring, provide the most pressure and anxiety for pregnant women trying to figure out what to do? Why is it that the pressure coming from us Christ followers, out-ways the knowledge that they are killing a human being? Why? We should be the ones that these women turn to when they mess up like that. We should be the ones they confide in. We should be the ones that help them make the right decisions. God loves every single being on this planet. Why can't we? When we hear about a girl who got pregnant, most of us say, "Wow, she should've been more careful." or, "That's what she gets for sleeping around." Of course most wouldn't have said that to their face, buy we say it behind their backs. I recently heard of a girl that got kicked out of her youth group because she got pregnant. Now I don't go to that church and I don't know all of their standards, but who in their right mind would do a thing like that? That girl needs her youth group, especially in a time like this. Why would anyone want to keep her from the encouragement and help she needs from christian peers? I did some more research on this and found that no, the church did not kick her out of the youth group, but her parents decided that they would remove her from the youth group because the girl said she felt uncomfortable in her group. Why would she feel uncomfortable? "Because," she said, "At school, the girls in my group act like everyone else. They reject me, and label me because of my mistake." Are these the "Christ followers" that are said to be forgiving and loving? I'm not saying that everyone is like that, but I have seen, from personal experience, that people can be very loving and forgiving at church and in youth group, and be nasty, mean, and cruel outside of that. We aren't supposed to be loving to those facing pregnancy just in church, we are supposed to be loving and helpful to them at school and anywhere outside of church. Why is it that they feel so much pressure and rejection from their peers? Maybe because when we are in church and anywhere else for that matter, we are naturally judgemental towards anyone who has publicly committed wrong. What if you went to church with a big sign on your head that said, "I lie to everyone all the time." Wouldn't you feel like you would be judged? I would. If I saw someone else with that sign on their head, I would probably be judgemental towards them. Not that I don't like the person, it just makes me feel better to know that I'm better than someone else. I know what your thinking, "That's not very Christian of you." No it's not, it's human. We are so dependent on others messing up and making us feel better that we can be very judgemental, even with just our eyes. This is why we have to change. We have to realize that, yes, we are human, and building ourselves up like that, is natural. We have to change that. Because for a girl deciding whether or not to get an abortion, walking into church with a pregnant belly is the same as walking in with a sign on their head. We are no better than them. We are just as bad. We are all equally sinful.

6 million Jews died in the Holocaust, that was horrible. Over 48 million children have been killed in the United States. Why is it that we don't hear that on the news. Over 100,000 people died in Haiti last month, approximately 3,700 babies are killed everyday because of abortion. Help bring the number down. Don't judge.